So what does this mean? Well in the Kundalini world GOD is an acronym for Generate, Organise, Destroy. When we use the sound current GOD or chant it from our core, we are in fact generating energy in our bodies, this energy then being organise and old cells, patterns, habits being destroyed in its wake.
Why am I speaking about this this week? Because I have just been through the greatest letting go experience of my entire life, deeper than any relationship ending, more despairing that my brother dying. I let go of my son and playing the role of full time mumma.
Braydon is 14.5 years old and has been with me for this whole life as I’ve traversed the role of solo mother in and out of destructive relationships, financial hardship and wanting to give up on many occasions. This Soul I birthed November 2004 has gifted me with more challenges and growth in my life than anyone ever. I am so incredibly grateful so have been chosen as his mother to guide him and support him on his journey from baby to teenager.
Makign the decision for him to be with his father in his growing teenage years seemed easy enough, I thought about the freedom this would allow me, the ease I would have in day to day withou the constant arguments, answering back, demands and just plain stress of parently solo.
And then the day came when I had to drive him to deliver him and his things to his father. That part was seemingly easy, the goodbye hug on the side of the road in Paeroa. And then the drive home! Fuuuuuccccckkkkkkkk! It hit me like a tonne of bricks, deep grief began to rise from someone inside I didn’t know existed. I howled, well I didn’t howl, something inside of me did. It was impulsive and couldn’t be stopped. All through the Waihi gorge I heaved in tears and convulsions of a grief that was ancient, where all mothers had grieved the loss and letting go of their child. I felt it all and it was painful.
And in the days coming, these tears grew heavier and deeper, as I went into his room, folded his washing, came home to an empty nest, listened for the sound ‘Mum’... nothing! Rage, anger, sadness and everything in between was felt for the loss of family, the disconnection between his father and I, the fear of the unknown and emptiness in my heart. How was I going to cope without my joyful hugs and laughter from his jokes. What would I do with myself if I’m not playing mum. Days passed by, tears rolled on and then ...
Through my determination and resilience to allow all the emotion and sit with it with humility and devotion, a deep bliss arose. A blissful ease in my heart that this choice was the right choice for the highest and best for all. A bliss that finally I have the freedom to come home to me, to eat, sleep, pee when I want without interruption.
A sense of freedom I’d not experienced in 14 years, then came compassion for all the mummas out there that don’t have this experience, then came bliss again.
I rest in the arms of bliss for having the tools to call upon, the technology of Kundalini yoga to break my heart open a million times and come through it with such ease and joy in my heart that I can finally say. I did it! I gave this time and built this foundation for my son and I did a really good job. He’s a beautiful soul with a big heart and an even bigger smile and I am now celebrating our journey and loving myself all over again.
Thank you to all the mothers out there who put your heart, soul and sweat into parently, thank you to the fathers who hold space for your families and thank you to the children for choosing us to guide you through life.
I will forever hold Braydon in my heart as he journey’s this next part of this life and know for now I am letting go