So what does this mean? Well in the Kundalini world GOD is an acronym for Generate, Organise, Destroy. When we use the sound current GOD or chant it from our core, we are in fact generating energy in our bodies, this energy then being organise and old cells, patterns, habits being destroyed in its wake.
Why am I speaking about this this week? Because I have just been through the greatest letting go experience of my entire life, deeper than any relationship ending, more despairing that my brother dying. I let go of my son and playing the role of full time mumma.
Braydon is 14.5 years old and has been with me for this whole life as I’ve traversed the role of solo mother in and out of destructive relationships, financial hardship and wanting to give up on many occasions. This Soul I birthed November 2004 has gifted me with more challenges and growth in my life than anyone ever. I am so incredibly grateful so have been chosen as his mother to guide him and support him on his journey from baby to teenager.
Makign the decision for him to be with his father in his growing teenage years seemed easy enough, I thought about the freedom this would allow me, the ease I would have in day to day withou the constant arguments, answering back, demands and just plain stress of parently solo.
And then the day came when I had to drive him to deliver him and his things to his father. That part was seemingly easy, the goodbye hug on the side of the road in Paeroa. And then the drive home! Fuuuuuccccckkkkkkkk! It hit me like a tonne of bricks, deep grief began to rise from someone inside I didn’t know existed. I howled, well I didn’t howl, something inside of me did. It was impulsive and couldn’t be stopped. All through the Waihi gorge I heaved in tears and convulsions of a grief that was ancient, where all mothers had grieved the loss and letting go of their child. I felt it all and it was painful.
And in the days coming, these tears grew heavier and deeper, as I went into his room, folded his washing, came home to an empty nest, listened for the sound ‘Mum’... nothing! Rage, anger, sadness and everything in between was felt for the loss of family, the disconnection between his father and I, the fear of the unknown and emptiness in my heart. How was I going to cope without my joyful hugs and laughter from his jokes. What would I do with myself if I’m not playing mum. Days passed by, tears rolled on and then ...
Through my determination and resilience to allow all the emotion and sit with it with humility and devotion, a deep bliss arose. A blissful ease in my heart that this choice was the right choice for the highest and best for all. A bliss that finally I have the freedom to come home to me, to eat, sleep, pee when I want without interruption.
A sense of freedom I’d not experienced in 14 years, then came compassion for all the mummas out there that don’t have this experience, then came bliss again.
I rest in the arms of bliss for having the tools to call upon, the technology of Kundalini yoga to break my heart open a million times and come through it with such ease and joy in my heart that I can finally say. I did it! I gave this time and built this foundation for my son and I did a really good job. He’s a beautiful soul with a big heart and an even bigger smile and I am now celebrating our journey and loving myself all over again.
Thank you to all the mothers out there who put your heart, soul and sweat into parently, thank you to the fathers who hold space for your families and thank you to the children for choosing us to guide you through life.
I will forever hold Braydon in my heart as he journey’s this next part of this life and know for now I am letting go
“It is said we teach what we most need to learn”
So it came to me that the only way through these dirty old patterns and habits of mine is by being more committed to my practise, to be a lot more consistent and have the courage to see things through, not something I’ve been so great at in my life! I’m only human after all!
It occurred to me after someone had said to me “you must have such a wonderful life given you’re a yoga teacher, I imagine you would really have your shit together”....
I haven't written a blog for many years and yet the urge keeps arising to add this to our many offerings as some people, in fact most of our students are so new to Kundalini Yoga and must sometimes wonder what on earth they are doing. I know I felt that way when I first began this unusual style of yoga in 2012 when I stumbled across it in Bali.
I also knew though that what I had found was gold, magic in the breath, power in the movement and depth in the soul of the practise. It felt like it was everything I had been searching for on my endless search for some sort of awakening from the darkness.
To me Kundalini yoga was the answer to my prayers only I wasn't o realise it until many years later when I was to become a teacher and open a studio in Mount Maunganui of all places. If someone had said that to me all those years ago I would have laughed. And yet here I am with my beloved partner Rayna, running The LightRoom and teaching daily classes living the destiny life had paved for me and loving every minute of it.
So for 2019 having had the studio open for nearly 6 months, it seems only fit to start writing a blog to capture these precious moments and share them with you.
Firstly I want to say how incredibly grateful I am to everyone who has joined us as part of our Kundalini family and who continue to support us to support you. We love having our family grow from strength to strength and it is such a privilege to be your teacher and to see you grow.
My personal intention for this year and our collective intention to is keep on shining our light, radiating and elevating our consciousness as teachers to bring more light into your lives. Gone are the days where we have to sit in suffering and upset for long periods of time. We can shift our shit so quickly now with the help of this technology. It's simply and profound and I'm so excited for the journey we are embarking on together.
As I deepen in my own daily practise I think of all our students and smile, knowing we are making a difference in so many peoples lives is enough to expand the heart into an overload of love.
As I sit here typing this I am smiling ear to ear and am about to create our class for this evenings New Moon experience. The teachings are vast and varied with over 8000 meditations and exercises so we'll never get bored, well maybe at that 7 minute mark when you've got your arms above your head, but besides that, there is so much to explore and experience.
Lets go there together, lets create magic and miracles in our lives, lets leave the past behind, drop into this very moment, keep up with our practise like warriors of the light and go forth and conquer.
Sounds like a divine plan indeed.